Finding Passion Through Indecision

“The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.” – Jessica Hische

Sometimes I think my entire character can be summed up by one word; indecisive. Usually people take indecision as a bad thing. You can’t make a decision and stick to it, you’re constantly changing your mind, swaying back and forth between choices. Indecision comes with a negative connotation. But, the thing many people don’t understand is that it doesn’t have to.

Senior year was hard, full of all these decisions I felt nowhere near ready to make.  I was surrounded by people who seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do down the road specializing in graduate school. I felt like I was missing something, because I had no idea what I could do for the rest of my life. What could be interesting enough to want to spend my whole life doing? Now, I can answer that question, when I was 17 and a high school senior I couldn’t come up with one possibility. So, I made a quick decision, that I was constantly going back to knowing that it wasn’t right, but at least it was something to tell people. When anyone asked it was “I’m going to be a marine biologist,” I look back and laugh at my naivety. I applied to one college because I had absolutely no clue where I actually wanted to go and it was in the opposite direction of where I had been spending my life dreaming about being. I made half-choices based on how other people would be affected, and that put me in a place I didn’t want to be. Don’t get me wrong, going to Miami for school had its positive attributes. I got to learn how to SCUBA dive, which to this day is one of the most amazing things I have gotten to experience in my 20 years. Even though I loved diving, it wasn’t enough to make me happy and eventually I got so depressed with my choices that I stopped going to classes almost completely. I stopped trying because I realized there was no way I could do that for the rest of my life. There was only darkness for me in the field of science, no excitement or light.

I was taking junior level courses as a freshman and in the beginning of my sophomore year. When I realized there was no way I was going to be able to find passion for that field I knew things had to change, so I made another quick decision. I transferred schools and changed my major to Sport’s Business, on the another hemisphere from anything science related. I had 75 credits (some from high school and the rest from college) going into the second semester of my sophomore year, I might as well have been a freshman since few of them counted. That only lasted for the one semester, I wanted to change my major again because I still hadn’t found my place. I changed schools, deciding on going to a community college where I wouldn’t be drowning in debt from my constant switching.

I could tell how much my indecisiveness was wearing on everyone around me, and how it was wearing on me. I don’t remember how I came across it, but I finally realized that I could take my passion for travel, writing, and reading and turn it into a career. I could get a certificate in Teaching English as a Foreign Language and travel anywhere in the world; learn about so many different cultures, meet different people, get out of the little box that I lived in. I could further my writing by blogging and continuing to write stories I had given up on because I felt it was pointless, I could never be an author. I have grown so much since then, I have realized that I can do anything I want. I can write and publish a book if I put my heart and soul into it. I can go to many different countries while still making money to pay back student loans and make a living.

My journey is just beginning, no matter how behind I feel I have to remind myself that I am only 20. I have so much time ahead of me to figure everything out, but I need to do the things I am passionate about. If you can’t do it with passion, then you shouldn’t be doing it at all. You have to be true to you no matter what other people say or think because your success will speak for itself. Indecision isn’t negative, indecision is that feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you that this isn’t what you were supposed to be doing. Indecision leads to self discovery…and it leads to be able to throw yourself into what you are passionate about even if you are still afraid of failure.

Book Review: 1984 by George Orwell

“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past” – George Orwell, 1984

George Orwell is a very well known writer, many students go through the grueling task of reading his book Animal Farm in high school, with no real interest. Then there’s those of us who read his books because we love reading…and just between you and me, it’s on the Rory Gilmore Book Challenge (here’s a link to the blog post if you’re interested).

I fell in love with 1984, not right out of the gate, but eventually. It was a process. It started slowly, with very elaborate and detailed descriptions of Oceania, the people of Oceania, the government, where Winston Smith (the main character) works, his thoughts and feelings, but as it went on I came to understand why the descriptions were so elaborate and how these details played into the plot. The ultimate goal of Big Brother was complete control over not only actions but thoughts, and these detailed thoughts and looks into Winston’s head are what made him different. When I realized that and how I was sucked into this alternate reality is when I fell in love with it. I was reading a book like nothing I had ever read before. I’ve read The Hunger Games and Divergent, this was on a different level. This was control over the mind and body rather than forceful control over humans.

As it continues, thoughts turn into actions. The actions are the best part, especially when combined with Orwell’s use of Winston’s thoughts. It’s beautifully written, his extensive knowledge of language and ability to build the dystopian society adds to its reality. This novel is haunting and you can’t help but hope and pray for a happy ending but can’t figure out how that ending could come to fruition. Orwell makes you think there are ways for it to end the way you want it to, then rips the blindfold off and makes you see reality. Not everything is unicorns and rainbows.

Warning: This book can make you paranoid. It can make you feel as if some of the things that happen in this book could actually happen. Is social media put in place for the government to use as some sort of thought control? Don’t advertisements attempt to control what we do, and want on a daily basis? Orwell thrusts you into an alternate reality, one where you fight Big Brother alongside Winston, but how can you win against such a force?